So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We talked him into tasing himself.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
