my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
