your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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