Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
