i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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