Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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