Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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