i wish my penis had a tongue
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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