I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
