The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
