I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
