So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
