My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
