went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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