I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
