My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
