i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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