i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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