I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
