Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
