you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
