I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
