I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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