my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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