Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
