i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
