I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
