When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
