FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
