if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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