So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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