Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
