I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
