and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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