i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
