I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
