at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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