from now on my penis is your penis
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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