He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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