I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
