Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
