I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
