Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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