Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
