Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
