i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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