Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i came on her dog
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
