fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
