my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I did not marry a roomba.
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