A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
