I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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